you win again, gameday.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
You were trust falling into bushes
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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