Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
