If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize
