you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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