My friends, they love my intelligence
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
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