We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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