omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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