Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
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