Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
