the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
