Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize