Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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