Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Randomize
