One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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