Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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