He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
