When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
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