Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
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