I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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