I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
40s are totally the cure
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Randomize
