Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
you traded sex for a burrito?
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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