He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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