I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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