i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
