Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
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