I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
