my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
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