Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
