There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
