When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
