oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
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