Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
