Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Randomize
