How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
