worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
i need to put some appletini on your dick
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Randomize