I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
you had me at cake vodka
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
