this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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