You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
