Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Randomize
