I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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