My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
