Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Randomize
