were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
