oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
