So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Randomize
