Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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