I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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