You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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