that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
