i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Randomize
