I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize