Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
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