We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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