god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
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