saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I supernannyed him into submission
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
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