my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Let's paint friendship bongs
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Randomize
