She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
