i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Randomize
