Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
