I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
