I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
