my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
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