Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
