Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Randomize
